The One With the Spiders

The Enterprise has a spider infestation. Spock is the designated spider remover. Shenanigans ensue.

Fandom(s): Star Trek TOS
Character(s): Spock, Pavel Chekov, Montgomery "Scotty" Scott, James T Kirk, Original Characters
Tags: April Fools, Crack, General Silliness, Spiders

Rating: Teen+ Audiences
Content Warnings: Spiders
Word Count: 4854
Type: Oneshot, Standalone

Another silly fic for April Fools Day.

"And here are you quarters," Chekov announced at the end of his tour of the ship. "Lucky for you, your five roommates are being picked up at another station, so you get the place to yourself until then."

The Enterprise's newest staff member, Ensign Lorgo McGee, referenced their personal comm, where the code to their quarters was stored until they could memorize it. They tapped in the code, and the door whooshed open. They grimaced at the small room. It was more like a broom closet in their opinion, and maybe it was, once. On either side of the door were triple decker bunk beds. Fitted between the beds and the back wall were some drawers and shelves, which seemed generous until they remembered they would have to share those with five other people. On the back wall was another door, which McGee presumed to be the bathroom. They didn't want to think about how small that would be. Turning their attention back to Chekov, they saw that he was grinning in amusement. All the new ensigns had the same reaction to the cramped quarters. What they didn't know was that after the first three months they would be upgraded to two person rooms which were far more comfortable. Until then, it was a test of character.

"You really are lucky, though— you get first dibs on a bunk and the drawers," Chekov said with a shrug and a sympathetic smile. "I was the last one to move into my dorm. I got the worst bunk and had to stow all my belongings under the bed."

Ensign Lorgo McGee gave a nervous smile, which appeared as more of a grimace. "Well... thanks, I guess?"

"Not a problem," Chekov replied, flashing finger guns. "I'll let you get settled in. Oh! I almost forgot!" His eyes lit up as he remembered something. "Can I see your comm?"

Ensign McGee narrowed their eyes in suspicion, but handed Chekov their comm nonetheless. They watched as Chekov tapped something into it, before handing it back to reveal that he had added a new number to their contacts, under the name 'Spider Man.'

Prompted by a raised eyebrow from Ensign McGee, Chekov explained. "Do you like spiders, Ensign McGee?"

"Uh, no. Not particularly."

"Right," Chekov said, nodding as if he expected that answer. "If you see a spider, text this ID. No matter the time, he will come and get the spider for you."

"Sure," Ensign McGee said uneasily. They felt like dying inside. First tiny quarters to be shared with five other people, and then a spider infestation to top it off? They were starting to think it was a galactic grade joke that everyone said the Enterprise was the greatest ship anyone could ever serve on.

When Chekov left them, they chose a bunk— a top one, since it had the most head-space above it —and unpacked their few belongings into the provided storage, taking care to leave adequate space for their future roommates. After a quiet meal in the mess hall— sitting by themselves as they were too afraid to try and join any of the bustling tables —they tucked themself into their new bed and tried to sleep.

The sound of the engines was unfamiliar to them, and the constant hum made it difficult for them to rest. They knew it was one of those things you got used to, they just wished they could get used to it now, so they wouldn't be tired on their first shift aboard the Enterprise. While they stared at the ceiling, a shadow scuttled across it. A spider. A big fat one, too. Definitely not one that they wanted to have to deal with on their own. Scrambling down from their bunk to put more distance between them and the spider, they flipped on the lights and pulled up the 'Spider Man' contact on their communicator, tapping out a quick message to whoever was on the other end of that ID:

There is a spider in crew quarters 125. It is very large. Please help.

A message came back promptly:

ETA - 2.5 minutes.

Ensign McGee sighed in relief, and stood waiting by the door, counting down the seconds while keeping an eye on the spider, who seemed to be content standing in the middle of the ceiling making strange movements with its mandibles. It looked like it was washing its face, which would have been adorable if it weren't a massive spider.

One hundred and fifty seconds on the dot passed, and the door chimed, causing Ensign McGee to jump. They moved back from the door and poked at the control panel, opening the door for their saviour against the spider.

Their eyes widened in shock and their body shot to military attention when they saw who was there at their door. "Commander Spock!" They said in recognition, remembering him from their brief meeting when they first boarded. "Uh... To what do I owe this pleasure, sir?" They asked nervously, mind reeling as they tried to figure out what they possibly could have done that would warrant a visit from the ship's first officer at this hour.

Spock's head tilted curiously, and he regarded Ensign McGee with a raised eyebrow. "I believe you requested assistance in removing an arachnid," he said plainly.

Shit, Ensign McGee thought, panic rising in their throat That was Commander Spock's comm ID? When they managed to swallow back the horror of booty-calling the executive officer over a spider on their first day at their new posting enough to speak, they choked out, "Oh, yeah. So I did."

After an awkward moment, Spock gave Ensign McGee and expectant look, and they abruptly realized that they had been standing in the doorway gaping like an idiot. As a flush rose to discolour their face, they moved aside to allow Spock to enter the small room, and gestured to the ceiling where the spider still lounged.

Commander Spock was tall, and made the room look even smaller when he was inside it. Luckily, he was able to reach the ceiling with no trouble at all, and scooped the fat spider off the ceiling into his bare hands as Ensign McGee stared at him in horror and awe.

With the spider securely trapped in his hands, Spock turned to leave the room, nodding to the terrified ensign on the way out. "Good night, Ensign."

"Good— Good night, Commander," Ensign McGee stammered. When the door shut behind Spock, Ensign McGee sank to the floor, wide eyed. What the hell was that? They wondered, then narrowed their eyes, suddenly understanding. Chekov. That twerp and his stupid hair will die for this.

The first thing Ensign McGee did when they woke the next morning was march down to the mess hall to find Chekov. The mess was packed, but luckily for McGee, Chekov's hair was so stupid that he stood out like red on white.

Despite all their rage, all that the nervous new ensign could manage was a harsh shove to Chekov's shoulder, prompting him to look up with surprise. When he didn't respond to McGee's glower, McGee huffed. "That's a stupid prank to play, you know," they said, immediately wincing at the placid words that came out of their mouth instead of the angry insults they had prepared.

Chekov looked genuinely confused. "Prank?" He asked. "What prank?"

McGee blinked at the authenticity of Chekov's confusion. But then, maybe he was a good actor. Their eyes narrowed in suspicion. "That comm ID you gave me? For the spiders? That was Commander Spock's ID."

Chekov looked at them dumbly. "Um... yes? I know this? What is the problem, exactly?"

"Oh come on," McGee sighed in frustration. "You expect me to believe that Commander Spock actually collects spiders for everyone on a regular basis, and that this wasn't a trick to get me to summon the first officer to my quarters at three AM?"

Chekov blinked. "Well, yes. He does do that." When McGee gave him an I-don't-believe-you look, Chekov looked around to the others at his table. "Come on, show of hands, how many of you has Mr Spock caught a spider for?" All the hands went up, including Chekov's.

"I had to call him twice," one of the other ensigns said.

"Pfft," another waved a hand. "Rookie numbers. I've had five spider removals."

As the table of ensigns bickered and bragged over how many times Commander Spock showed up to their quarters or labs to remove a spider, it dawned on Ensign McGee that Spock really was the 'Spider Man' and that this was no prank.

"What does he do with the spiders?" They asked.

Chekov frowned in thought. "Huh. You know, I have no idea."

"Why don't you ask the computer where the problem is?" Chekov asked as he followed Scotty through the corridors, lugging a box of tools awkwardly under his chin.

"Because the problem is that one of the computer's sensors is offline," Scotty said in a way that was clear that he was dumbing it down significantly for Chekov. "The computer can only tell me where the problem isn't."

"So we have to check every single panel until we find the one that's offline?" Chekov asked in dismay, his arms growing tired under the box of tools. They had only checked a few out of the hundreds of sensor panels so far.

"Of course not," Scotty said with a wave of dismissal. Chekov was about to let out a sigh of relief when the Chief Engineer added, "We only have to check the starboard side." Chekov groaned again.

Scotty stopped briefly at an intersection in the corridors, and Chekov was grateful for the chance to catch up until Scotty said, "Ah, this way," and continuing on at his brisk clip, leaving Chekov in the dust. By the time Chekov caught up, Scotty had already opened the access to a Jeffery's tube and had climbed up into the dark, just his feet visible through the access door.

"Shine a light up here, will you lad? I can't see a thing," he called down to Chekov, voice echoing through the tube.

"Yes sir," Chekov said, panting. He put the box down and riffled through it in search of a flashlight. When he found it, he stood up and stretched his sore shoulders and back briefly before sticking the flashlight into the tube and switching it on.

"OH SHIT JESUS FUCK—"

Chekov jumped back as Scotty's loud, startled cursing echoed through the tube, followed by a series of crashes as Scotty fell off the ladder and ping-ponged head over heels down the tube, resulting in even more screaming and cursing.

When he finally came tumbling out the open access way of the Jeffery's tube like a gumball from a machine, Chekov dropped the flashlight and rushed to Scotty's aid.

"Mr Scott! Are you okay?" He asked, watching with worry as Scotty groaned and clutched a hand to the back of his head. "Should I call Doctor McCoy?"

Grimacing, Scotty shook his head and waved the fussing Chekov away. "No, no," he sighed. "I'm fine, lad. Just some bumps and bruises is all."

"What happened in there?" Chekov asked, still looking Scotty over for any signs of serious injury. "Was there exposed electrical in there?" He asked, worried that Scotty had touched a live wire on accident.

Scotty shook his head, hauling himself to his feet and picking up Chekov's discarded flashlight from the floor. "Oh, I'll show you what happened," he grumbled, switching the light back on and shining it up the Jeffery's tube.

Wearily, Chekov stepped into the tube and looked up.

"Spiders," Scotty said. "Must be two hundred of them in there. All up in my face up there. Hell of a place to be startled. I've never seen so many in one spot. Wonder why there's so many all gathered in one place."

As Scotty rambled, Chekov continued to stare up into the Jeffery's tube in awe. "I think I know," he said.

Scotty stepped out of the turbo-lift onto the bridge, with a sheepish Chekov in tow. Captain Kirk turned around at the whooshing sound of the turbo-lift doors.

"Scotty," Kirk said with a smile. "To what do I owe the pleasure? Surely you haven't come all the way up here just to return our navigator."

"No," Scotty said. "I have business with Mr Spock."

Spock turned from his place at the science station and regarded Scotty with a raised eyebrow. "Business?" He inquired.

"Yes, Mr Spock," Scotty said calmly. "Business."

There was a long pause. Uhura and Sulu exchanged confused glances.

Spock waited, but Scotty did not elaborate. "What business do you have with me?" He prompted.

"Oh, just the business of three hundred spiders all living in one of my Jefferies tubes," Scotty said sternly, crossing his arms over his chest. "Now we all appreciate that you take care of the spiders when they show up around the ship, Mr Spock, but you can't just shove them all in a Jefferies tube!"

"I chose one that received few visits by the engineers," Spock said. "It seemed a safe and out of the way place to put them. In fact, I have been putting spiders in that Jefferies tube for over a year, and this is the first complaint I have had."

Scotty sighed. "Right, well, you can't keep your spiders there," he said. "You'll have to move them somewhere else."

Spock nodded. "I shall remove them before the day's end, Mr Scott. Is there anything else?"

Scotty blinked. He didn't expect Spock to be so willing to move his spiders. Maybe the Vulcan was more reasonable than he had originally thought. "No," Scotty said. "That'll be all."

With an awkward nod to the rest of the bridge crew, who were all staring at him, Scotty turned and retreated into the turbo-lift. When the doors closed, he sighed, and shook his head in disbelief. "Spiders," he muttered. "In my Jefferies tube." But he took comfort in knowing that at least they would be gone by the end of the day.

Spock was good on his word. The spiders had disappeared from Engineering after Alpha shift ended that day, and Scotty hadn't seen a trace of them in three weeks, which meant that Scotty was quite satisfied with the spider situation. In fact, he had forgotten all about discovering the spiders in the Jefferies tube all together.

"Mr Scott," one of Scotty's engineers called out as Scotty stepped into Engineering, back from his lunch break. "We figured out where that problem is coming from. You know, the one where turbo-lift three evacuates its atmosphere every time its doors close?"

"Aye, I know the one," Scotty said tiredly. It had put turbo-lift three out of commission for two weeks and had put one poor crew member in sickbay with symptoms of oxygen deprivation. "So it's fixed now?"

The engineer shook his head. "Not quite," he said. "We found the problem, and we know how to fix it, it's just that we don't seem to have the right tool for the job, sir."

"Well, let me see," Scotty said, and followed the engineer through the corridors.

"It's here, sir," the engineer said, pointing at a gauge set in the wall. "All we need to do is calibrate this, but none of the tools that usually work for this sort of thing are able to do the calibrations correctly."

"Ah," Scotty said, nodding in recognition. "This is one of the old ones, that'd be why. There's only a couple things left on this ship that use the model A5 electro calibrator, and this is one of them."

"Do we have a model A5 electro calibrator?" The engineer asked.

"Aye, somewhere," Scotty said, thinking. "I have a box full of out of date tools and parts. Never throw that kind of stuff away," Scotty said, waving a finger at the engineer in warning. "You never know when you might need it."

"Like now?" The engineer asked.

"Like now," Scotty said. "Good work, lad. I'll take this from here," he said, gesturing to the faulty gauge.

"Yes sir," the engineer said, giddy from the praise.

Scotty walked through engineering, heading for a specific storage room that was ill-used, and the perfect place to stow away old equipment where nobody would find it and decide to get rid of it. The room was off in a rarely frequented corner. One of the lights in the ceiling flickered ominously. Scotty frowned, wondering how long it had been doing that, unnoticed.

But he had a more important thing to fix, so he ignored the faulty light and opened the door to the old storage room. The light flickered on lazily as he entered, illuminating the dust filled air. Scotty coughed and held his breath as he knelt by a large box, opening it to search through it. He stuck a hand inside, and yelped when he felt something fuzzy touch his hand. He looked in the box, and shouted a string of expletives as he reeled back out into the corridor. The box, which held old tools and parts, was also full of spiders.

Scotty took out his handheld communicator and flipped it open. "Scott to bridge," he said calmly.

"Spock here," Spock said. It seemed that the Captain was out, and Spock had the conn. That was just as well, as it was Spock Scotty needed to speak with.

"Mr Spock," Scotty started. "Are you aware that there is a large number of spiders in storage room G-172?"

"I am," Spock said.

"Did you happen to put the spiders there yourself?" Scotty asked.

"I did," Spock answered.

A rage filled Scotty. "Get them out of here!" He shouted, and snapped his communicator shut before waiting for an answer from Spock. He stormed off to a more populated section of engineering, and set himself to a task. Fixing turbo-lift three would have to wait.

The next day, when Scotty went to check on the storage room situation, the spiders were gone. He found his Model A electro calibrator, fixed the faulty gauge, and was able to put turbo-lift three back into operation without the risk of giving anyone brain damage.

For the next few weeks, Scotty opened every door, tool box, hatch, and panel with a feeling of dread, expecting to find hoards of spiders behind each one. After weeks of not finding any, he was starting to relax, and finally not feel a spark of fear every time he looked into a dark space.

He needed to get into the crawl space between decks D and E, where sensors indicated that a fuse had blown out and was in need of replacement. He walked through the corridors of Deck E, a schematic open on his PADD as he walked. He referenced the schematic like a map, looking for the Jefferies tube access closest to where the broken fuse was, so he wouldn't have to move through the cramped and dangerous crawl space any further than necessary.

When he found it, he stowed his PADD in his toolbox, and opened the Jefferies tube door, for once without any fear of what he would find behind it.

He should never have let his guard down.

Every surface of the Jefferies tube was covered in spiders of various sizes. It was a living wall of crawling legs and mandibles and millions of little black eyes. Scotty slammed the door shut.

"This has been enough!" Scotty said to himself. He stormed off to the turbo-lifts, heading for the bridge.

"Captain," Scotty said as he marched out of the turbo-lift onto the bridge. "Can I have a word with you?"

Kirk turned in his chair, looking surprised. "Of course, Scotty. What is it?"

Scotty glared across the bridge at Spock for a moment. "A private word, sir," he clarified.

"Ah, I see," Kirk said, standing. "Mr Spock, you have the conn."

They stepped into the ready room and let the door close behind them.

"So, what's this about, Mr Scott?" Kirk asked.

"It's about the spiders, sir," Scotty said, sounding very unimpressed.

"Spiders?" Kirk asked, confused. Then a look of recognition washed over his face. "Oh, right. The spider incidents. Has it happened again?"

Scotty scowled. "Yes!" He exclaimed. "Spock's gone and put them in the Jefferies tubes again! You've got to do something about this!"

"What exactly am I supposed to do about it?" Kirk asked.

"I don't know, make him stop!"

Kirk shook his head. "Look, I know this upsets you, but there isn't really anything I can do. Having all the spiders in one Jefferies tube is a much better alternative than having thousands of spiders scattered all over the ship. Now, if they're in your way, just ask Spock to move them. He has been very accommodating so far. Is that all, Mr Scott?"

Scotty sighed in defeat. "Aye," he said dejectedly.

"Good," Kirk said. They left the ready room together, and Scotty stepped back into the turbo-lift.

"Very accommodating indeed," Scotty muttered to himself as the turbo-lift took him back to engineering. He sent Spock a message requesting the removal of the spiders so that he would be able to access the crawl space, and went down to his broom closet of an office to have a cup of tea on company time.

The next day, Scotty checked the Jefferies tube, and found it devoid of spiders. He sighed with relief and climbed up into the crawl space between decks to get his repairs done. When he was finished, he made a decision.

He knew Spock had moved the spiders somewhere else. Probably into another Jefferies tube. He could either flinch every time he opened up an access panel for the next several weeks, until he eventually stumbled upon them, or he could go searching for them now, and know where they are, giving him peace of mind.

Checking every Jefferies tube on the ship would take days, but the undertaking would be worth the reduction of weeks worth of anxiety. Besides, his crew could handle the dailies themselves. Probably.

So he occupied himself with the somewhat obsessive task of systematically checking every Jefferies tube on the ship for spiders. His engineering crew noticed, and thought that his quest was quite amusing. Scotty was notably not amused by the sign that appeared in engineering one day:

It has been 3 Days since Scotty last found the spider tube.

Curiously, Scotty didn't find any spiders in any of the Jefferies tubes. So, he systematically checked all the storage closets in engineering. Still no spiders. With satisfaction, Scotty determined that the spiders had finally been moved to a place that he didn't have to interact with, which was just fine by him. So after four days of searching, he was able to return to his work.

Whistling to himself, he checked the engineering logs, saw something that needed to be repaired, and set himself to it. He just needed to grab a spanner from the overhead storage.

Without a worry in the world, Scotty opened the overhead storage, reaching up for the spanner. But the moment the cabinet opened, spiders began to rain down on him.

It was a quiet day on the bridge. They could hear the hum of the engines, the buzz of the lights, and even the sound of the nearest turbo-lift travelling up and down.

Then, a distant, ghostly sound of a scream wafted up from somewhere far below, just barely audible.

Kirk sat up and frowned. "Did anyone hear that?"

Uhura nodded. "It sounded like a scream," she said.

"Huh," Kirk said. "I wonder what that could have been about."

The comm crackled to life. "Scott to bridge," said the calm voice of the Chief Engineer.

"Yes, Mr Scott?" Kirk asked, hoping Scotty would have some insight on what the noise had been.

"Is Mr Spock on the bridge?" Scotty asked.

"Yes, he is," Kirk asked, trading a glance with Spock.

"So he can hear me then?"

"Yes, he can."

"Good," Scotty said, then took an audible breath. "Mr Spock," he said sweetly. "Would you be so kind as to GET YOUR GOD FORSAKEN SPIDERS OUT OF MY FUCKING STORAGE CABINET?" His voice rose to a shout so loud that the crew on the bridge all put their hands to their ears.

There was a brief moment's pause, then Scotty spoke again, voice normal. "Was the message recieved?"

Kirk, rubbing his right ear, answered, "Very clearly, Mr Scott."

"Good. Scott out."

"Ow," Chekov complained. "I think I have hearing damage."

The sign in engineering read:

It has been 97 days since Scotty last found the spider tube.

The sign hadn't been updated in several days, since the lack of spider tube sightings over such a long period of time had made the engineers lose interest in the little gimick. Scotty thought that for sure, this time Spock had moved the spiders to a place where he would never have to encounter them. Maybe the Captain had made Spock beam them into space, which would be even better.

Speaking of Spock, the Vulcan had just arrived in engineering at Scotty's request.

"Ah, Mr Spock," Scotty said. "There you are. I was wondering if you could help me resynchronize an ion-charged microfilament control circuit for the starboard nacelle. It's a bit of a delicate task, and I need a second set of hands."

"Of course, Mr Scott," Spock said. "I would be happy to help."

"Great," Scotty said. "Just come right this way."

They walked through the engineering decks to the back of the ship, into the most deserted parts near the nacelle struts.

"Now, we'll have to go up the struts to get to it," Scotty was saying as they arrived. "It'll be a tight fit but we should both be able to squeeze in there."

As Scotty reached a hand out to open the hatch into the Jefferies tube, Spock's eyes widened slightly. "Uh, Mr Scott—" He started, but he was too late.

The moment the latch on the door was opened, the door slammed wide open, and spiders flew out of the opening with the force of a fire hose, engulfing Scotty entirely. Over the roar of the rushing spiders, Spock could hear Scotty screaming bloody murder. Spock winced.

"Mr Scott, you should close your mouth, or—"

"AH! FUCK! ONE WENT IN MY MOUTH!" Scotty screamed from within the rumbling river of spiders.

Eventually, enough of the spiders had left the Jefferies tube that the rate of their egress began to slow, and Scotty came back into sight. The floor was covered in spiders, as were the walls. The Jefferies tube itself, while not forcibly ejecting spiders, was still full of them.

Scotty turned on Spock, and pointed a finger at him. "You!" He shouted, face bright red and a vein popping in his forehead. "When I get my hands on you, you're gonna wish you were never born!"

As Scotty advanced on Spock, Spock stepped backwards into the spider filled Jefferies tube, completely vanishing into the wall of spiders.

"Damn it Spock!" Scotty screamed. "You coward! Don't think you can get away with this!"

"You wanted to see me, Captain?" Spock asked as he entered Kirk's office.

"Yes, I did," Kirk said. "Have a seat, Spock."

Spock sat down.

"Spock, we can't keep doing this thing with the spiders," Kirk said with a sigh. "It's traumatizing Scotty too much. You're going to have to get them off the ship. We'll be in orbit around an Earth colony tomorrow. You can let them go there without worrying about them destroying the ecosystem."

"All right," Spock said.

"I'm sorry to have to do this, but—" Kirk stopped. "What?"

"I said, 'all right,' " Spock repeated.

"Oh," Kirk said, surprised that it didn't seem to take much convincing to have Spock get rid of the spiders. Spock seemed so fond of them. "All right. Well, thank you for your compliance."

"Of course, Captain," Spock said. "Will that be all?"

"That'll be all, Mr Spock."

The next day, Scotty personally beamed down a giant crate full of spiders. He hoped he wouldn't have to see another spider for the rest of his life.

After delivering the spider crate to the transporter room, Spock headed back to his quarters at a leisurely stroll. He stopped when he caught a small movement in the corner of his eye. Taking a closer look, he saw a small spider on the wall of the corridor.

Taking a look up and down the corridor and seeing nobody, Spock plucked the spider from the wall and casually continued on to his quarters.

Once inside, he made sure the door shut soundly behind him before crossing the room and prying a panel off the wall. He reached a hand inside to place the spider in the hollow space, where it could live with the thousands of others that were secretly stowed away in the walls of the Enterprise.

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[Fanfic] The One With the Spiders

The One With the Spiders