Murphy's Law

Jim and Spock go camping. Everything that could go wrong goes wrong.

Fandom(s): Star Trek AOS
Character(s): James T Kirk, Spock
Tags: Spirk, Camping

Rating: Teen+ Audiences
Content Warnings: N/A
Word Count: 5038
Type: Oneshot, Standalone

Originally intended for K/S Spring Fever 2023 for AO3 user Schattengestalt

"Come on, Bones, it'll be fun!"

"I am not going camping with you," Bones said for not the first time, eyes still down on the stack of PADDs.

"Come on, don't be like that," Jim launched his deadliest weapon— puppy dog eyes. "Please?"

Bones sighed, and finally looked up from his desk only to roll his eyes at Jim's pathetically pleading face. "Look kid, if you want to go sleep outside in a wilderness full of danger, that's your prerogative. But you aren't dragging me into it."

"Oh, come on," Jim scoffed. "What could possibly go wrong?"

"Oh, I don't know," Bones said, rising to the challenge. He started counting off on his fingers. "You could get lost, you could get caught in bad weather, you could fall into a stand of poison ivy or one of the other billion plants you're allergic to, you could get chased by wolves—"

"Wolves, Bones? Really?"

"Well, why not?"

"Because—"

The door to Bones' office hissed open, and Spock, distracted by something on his PADD, stepped in. "Doctor, I need a clarification on—" he stopped short, raising an eyebrow at the argument he had apparently stumbled into. "Am I to understand this is a bad time?"

"No, Jim was just leaving," Bones said, glaring at Jim, who huffed.

"Spock," Jim said, making no move to leave. "Tell Bones how illogical all his fears about camping are."

"Dammit, Jim, I'm not going camping with you! I have work to do!"

Jim sighed dramatically. "You wound me, Bones." He turned to Spock, not looking very hopeful. "Don't suppose you want to come camping with me, do you?"

Spock blinked. From what he knew of the activity of 'camping,' it didn't seem particularly pleasant, and he also had work to do, but the captain did seem sad about the doctor's refusal to accompany him.

"I would be amenable," Spock said, surprising everyone, including himself.

"Really?" Jim asked.

"Yes."

Bones scoffed. "Well, you two have fun getting chased by wolves, or trampled by moose, or eaten by—"

"The statistical likelihood of any of those events occurring is very low, Doctor," Spock pointed out.

"A non-zero chance," Bones grumbled. "And this idiot—" he gestured to Jim "—is a walking embodiment of Murphy's Law. So if you two want to go try your luck out in the woods somewhere, have at it. I'll be waiting here to tell you 'I told you so.' "

"Alright, well, if you'd rather spend your shore leave getting wasted with Scotty and doing paperwork than spending time in nature with me and Spock, go for it," Jim said. "But I think drinking with Scotty is the more dangerous of the activities."

Bones snorted. "Whatever. Now get out of here, I still have work to do."

Jim raised a hand and made to leave. "Well, if I don't see you, enjoy your shore leave."

"I certainly will," Bones said, returning to his PADD as Jim left his office, Spock in tow.

The door had just closed when Spock stopped, apparently just remembering the entire reason he was here in the first place. "I'll meet with you later, I have a question for Doctor McCoy."

Jim grinned as Spock went back into Bones's office, hearing an exasperated 'what now?' from within. He headed to his ready room to wrap up some work with a bounce in his step. He might not have convinced Bones to go camping with him, but having Spock come along sounded like a fantastic adventure.

"We'll return to the same coordinates for beam up in seventy-two hours," Jim said to Scotty. "Don't be so hung over that you forget to bring us back on board."

"I'd have to be dead for that," Scotty answered, finishing his adjustment of the transporter controls. "Don't get so eaten by wolves that you aren't there when I come to get you."

Jim huffed. "Not you, too!"

Scotty grinned. "You two have a good shore leave. Call me if you get treed by the local wildlife."

Joining Spock on the transporter pad, Jim rolled his eyes. "You and Bones have a terrible sense of humour, you know that?" He said to Scotty.

"Aye, whatever you say, Captain," Scotty said cheerfully.

"Energize."

In a few short moments, the cold, clinical environment of the transporter room was replaced by vibrant greenery and crisp mountain air. The sun was high in the sky, giving them plenty of time to hike to the planned campsite and set up camp for the night. The sky was blue, with not a cloud in it, so they wouldn't have to worry about getting rained on.

"So, what do you think?" Jim asked as he pulled a paper map from his pocket.

"Very scenic, Captain," Spock observed.

"Just 'Jim,' Spock. We're off duty," Jim reminded him as he studied the map. "There's a spot I scouted out that would make a good campsite. It's a couple hours' hike but I think it'll be worth it."

"I will defer to your judgement."

Jim flashed him a smile. "Great," he said. "Let's get going. We're burning daylight."

Spock gave him a curious look and opened his mouth to ask a question, but Jim beat him to it.

"Just an expression," he explained. "Come on."

They walked down the hill into the shaded trail through the pines, each lugging along a pack of equipment and provisions.

"So," Jim said, breaking the silence of their march once they descended into the trees. "Did you agree to come camping because you actually wanted to, or did Bones put you up to it to keep an eye on me?"

"Doctor McCoy has had no involvement in my participation," Spock said. "Aside from his refusal to accompany you himself, of course."

"What do you mean?" Jim asked, then stopped, an amused smile tugging at his face. "Did you agree to come camping with me because I was sad that Bones wouldn't come?"

"That..." Spock thought for a second. "That is why I agreed, yes. However, I think I will find some benefit in spending time in nature. So I do not regret my impulsive decision."

"Impulsive?" Jim asked. "Since when have you ever been impulsive?"

Spock just let out a sigh of exasperation, and Jim laughed. They continued walking the winding trail into the valley, the noonday sun casting dappled light on them through the canopy of leaves in every shade of green, and even some reds and yellows. The air was warm but not stifling, a calm breeze wrapped around them as they walked, rustling the leaves and foliage.

"We're here," Jim announced after a couple hours of walking. The closer they got to the site he had picked out, the more excited he seemed to get, a bounce appearing in his step even under the weight of his pack. He pushed through an overgrowth that blocked the trail, and the trees gave way to a clearing on the shore of a pristine lake. Its calm surface mirrored the distant mountain and the colourful trees so well that it was hard to tell where the lake ended and the rest began.

"What do you think?" Jim asked, letting his pack slump from his shoulders onto the ground.

Spock looked around, taking in the surroundings. Despite opening onto the lake, the little clearing felt enclosed by the forest behind it, and the view was something out of a painting. "Aesthetically pleasing," Spock observed. "And very peaceful."

Understanding that as approval in his choice of campsite, Jim grinned. "Glad you like it," he said. "Lets set up camp before the sun starts to go down. Have you ever set up a tent before?" Jim took a compact pouch from the side of his pack and dumped out the contents. A mess of tarp-like material, ropes, and metal rods clattered out.

"No, I have not," Spock said, giving the disassembled tent a skeptical look.

Jim joined Spock in frowning at the pile. "It seems I lost the instructions," he said. "Luckily for us, I'm practically an expert at this. Let's start with those two long rods..."

The two worked together to set up the tent, Jim taking the lead and instructing Spock on what needed to be done. After working for half an hour, they managed to erect a tent that leaned heavily to one side and was significantly misshapen.

"No offence, Jim," Spock said as they stood back to examine their handiwork. "But I think you did it wrong."

Jim scrubbed a hand through his hair in embarrassment. "Yeah... maybe I'm a bit rusty at setting up tents. But it'll still work, right?"

A light breeze rustled through the camp, and the tent collapsed in its entirety.

"Or not," Jim said, shoulders slumping in defeat. "Well, it's warm. We can always sleep under the stars?" He suggested.

Spock nodded in agreement. "I believe that would be much more enjoyable than getting trapped in..." He trailed off, looking at the puddle of tarp and rods in front of him. "I am hesitant to call that a tent."

"Ouch," Jim said. "What happened to not wanting to offend me?"

Spock blinked in surprise. "I apologize, I did not mean to—"

"I'm just kidding, Spock," Jim said, grinning. "Anyways, we can try the tent again if you really don't want to go without one..."

"As you said, the weather is amenable to us sleeping outside. I do genuinely think it would be a pleasant experience," Spock assured him.

Jim looked relieved, knowing a second attempt at the tent probably wouldn't have yielded different results. "Great. That's settled then. How about some food? I'll get a fire going and we can heat up some rations."

As they gathered wood to build a fire, Jim felt the sneaking suspicion that he had forgotten to bring matches along with them. He checked his bags quietly, and confirmed that he had indeed neglected to bring anything to start a fire.

"So..." he said to Spock once they had built a small fire pit and arranged fuel and kindling in it. "I don't suppose you know how to start a fire without matches, do you?"

Spock quirked an eyebrow at him. "I take it to mean that you have forgotten to pack matches," he said.

Jim groaned. "Yeah, yeah, sue me," he said. When Spock gave him a curious look, he added, "Not really. But I did forget matches."

Spock glanced around their campsite, and then went to the rocky beach. He chose two sun baked rocks and brought them back to the fire. It took a few tries striking the rocks together, but eventually he coaxed a spark out of them, catching the kindling alight.

Jim let out a sigh of relief. "We're saved," he said, plunking down beside the fire.

"The weather forecast indicated that night time temperatures would be fairly warm," Spock told him. "I'm sure we would have survived even without a fire."

"True," Jim said, pulling out some foil-wrapped ration packs. They were no better than MREs, but they were a camping staple. "But nobody wants to eat these things cold."

They watched the sun set over the mountains, reflecting brilliant reds and oranges in the lake. When the last of the light faded, the stars came out in the clear night sky, and the two of them stoked their campfire before laying out their sleeping bags.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" Jim asked, gazing into the impossibly bright stars above.

"Indeed," Spock agreed.

"You don't get skies this clear in Iowa," Jim commented. "This is amazing."

"This reminds me of the Vulcan night sky," Spock said, reminiscing. "If you travelled far enough into the desert, at night you could see a sky so clear, you could almost believe that the atmosphere had dissipated. Just horizon to horizon of starlight. When I was a child I thought you could see all of space from Vulcan, on a clear night."

Jim turned his head to look at Spock. "You miss it, don't you?" He asked gently. Spock hadn't mentioned Vulcan very much since the planet's destruction. He felt it meant something that Spock was talking about it now.

"Yes," Spock admitted.

"I'm sorry," Jim said. What else was there to say?

"Apologies are unnecessary," Spock said. "It is simply a fact."

"I guess," Jim said, unconvinced. "It still sucks though."

"Indeed," Spock agreed. "It does 'suck.' "

Jim laughed, unable to help himself. He was about to apologize for laughing when he looked at Spock and saw the most hidden of smiles on his face. He had meant to make Jim laugh. Jim chuckled, shaking his head. "Well, goodnight, Spock," he said.

"Goodnight, Jim."

As the sun rose, heating the air after a cool morning, Jim and Spock hiked along an overgrown trail that traced the edge of the lake. Since they didn't have to carry all their camping supplies with them, they were able to move faster and enjoy the hike more than on their trip in— or at least Jim could, Spock didn't seem affected by the encumbrance of a heavy pack.

It was a lovely, all-day hike that would take them all the way around the lake, and partway up one of the towering mountains.

"Bones is missing out," Jim said. "He was so worked up about all these things happening out here, and nothing has gone wrong yet."

"I must remind you of our attempts to set up the tent yesterday," Spock said.

Jim grimaced. "That doesn't count. The weather was too nice for a tent anyways."

Spock just hummed his amused acquiescence.

Everything had been going well that day, at least. There wasn't a cloud in the sky, and once the sun came up and evaporated the fog, the day stayed at a pleasant temperature. Jim wore bear bells on his hiking pack, and either there weren't any bears in the area, or the bells worked. And despite him pushing overgrown foliage out of the path with his arms, Jim hadn't even developed a rash. So much for wildlife and bad weather and allergies and getting lost.

When the sun began to set and they weren't back at their camp yet, Jim realized that he had spoken too soon. He stopped and took out his map, peering at it in the dimming light.

Spock, a few paces ahead of him, stopped and turned, querying look on his face. But Jim just frowned at the map.

"Is everything alright?" Spock asked.

"Well," Jim said reluctantly. "If we followed the trail correctly, we should have been back at our camp by now."

Spock cocked his head to the side, thinking. "We're at far too high of an elevation for that to be the case. It would take at least another hour to reach the elevation of our camp from here, based on our ascent rate."

"Right," Jim said.

When it became apparent that Jim wasn't going to say more, Spock said, "I'm assuming we're lost."

"You assume correctly," Jim answered, huffing. "I'm sorry, Spock, I think I took us down a wrong fork in the trail. I don't know how much backtracking we're going to have to do to get back on the right course."

"Apologies are unnecessary," Spock said. "I believe this is what you would call 'part of the adventure.' "

Jim laughed, feeling relieved. "Thanks for being a good sport. Now, where do you think I got us off course?" He sidled up to Spock so they could both peer down at the crumpled map. Their shoulders brushed accidentally, but Spock didn't seem to mind.

Tracing a long finger across the map, Spock pointed out a junction in the trail. "I believe this is where our course deviated from our intended route."

"Seems right," Jim said, agreeing. "Come on, let's try and make camp before it gets too dark."

They sky darkened as they made their way down the trail, but it wasn't because night had fallen. Dark clouds had formed quickly, looming ominously over them and blocking out the light.

Jim grimaced up at the clouds through the canopy of leaves. "I hope it doesn't rain," he said, mostly to himself. He thought about their failed attempt at setting up the tent the day before.

"I also do not wish for it to rain," Spock said. "Without a tent we would have to call for early beam up, and I would not want to cut our excursion short."

Jim smiled to himself. "So you're actually enjoying this?"

"Indeed," Spock answered. "I admit that at first I was skeptical, but I find this to be a pleasant experience."

Fat droplets of rain started to fall slowly as they entered their campsite. Anticipating a downpour, Jim and Spock hurriedly rolled up their sleeping bags to store them somewhere dry.

"Maybe it'll stop?" Jim suggested halfheartedly.

Spock peered at the sky. "Unfortunately, I think this is only the beginning."

As if on cue, the sky opened up, and they were doused in water as if god poured a bucket over them from the heavens.

"Shit," Jim exclaimed at being soaked so suddenly. He grabbed Spock by the wrist and dragged him out of their clearing and into the trees, where the canopy provided shelter. It wasn't a perfect shelter, but it at least delayed the water on its way from the sky to their heads.

As big droplets plunked from the leaves above, they tried to gather their wits about them, shocked from being half drowned in mere seconds.

Spock was shivering and soaked to the skin. "I regret to suggest it, but I think we should return to the Enterprise."

Jim agreed, but seeing Spock shiver in the cold wouldn't have let him argue even if he wanted to. "Yeah, everything is soaked through. Rained us out." He dug in his pockets for a minute, frowning. With a pained expression, he looked at Spock. "Alright, uh... Don't kill me, okay?"

"Why would I kill you?" Spock asked, his shivering beginning to creep into his voice.

"I don't have my communicator," Jim admitted quickly, like ripping off a band-aid. "I left it on the ship."

Spock blinked at him very slowly, and said nothing.

"Uh," Jim said, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. "I don't suppose you anticipated this and brought your own communicator along, did you?"

Spock watched him for another long moment, face eerily blank, hair plastered to his scalp by the rain. "No," he said, finally.

Jim cringed. "Damn. Sorry Spock, looks like we're stuck here until the beam up time we arranged with Scotty."

Spock said nothing.

"Please don't be mad," Jim said.

"Vulcans don't get mad," Spock answered flatly.

"Bullshit," Jim said, rolling his eyes. "Remember that time you beat the shit out of me? Because I do."

"That's different," Spock said. "I was provoked."

"And this isn't provoking you?" Jim asked, gesturing to, well, everywhere.

Spock sighed. "No, Jim," he said. "I propose we try the tent again."

"But I don't remember how to set it up," Jim protested.

"No, but I know how," Spock said, kneeling by the tent bag and opening it up.

"What?" Jim asked. "Then why didn't you tell me I was doing it wrong yesterday?"

"I wanted to spare you the embarrassment," Spock said.

"I was already embarrassed," Jim said.

Spock handed him the tent poles. "Take these. Let's return to the clearing and erect this tent so we can get out of the rain."

With Spock's unexpected expertise, they managed to set up the tent in the driving rain, under the meagre shelter of the leafy canopy above. The inside of the tent was mostly dry, however that would change as soon as they stepped foot inside it, since their sopping wet clothes would drip all over the tent. However, changing into dry clothes outside also was not an option, because those dry clothes would soon be soaked clothes.

"Well, this is awkward," Jim said. "Maybe we just wait for a break in the rain?"

Spock was shivering. "It could take hours for there to be a break in the weather."

They devised a plan— an awkward plan, but a plan nonetheless. Spock took his pack into the tent, and swapped his wet clothes for dry ones, tossing the wet ones out of the tent. He took a towel from the bag, and mopped up some of the water from the tent floor. Then, Spock huddled in a corner, facing the wall, while Jim came into the tent and underwent the same process, only with more awkwardness because there was less space in the tent.

"Sorry, Spock," Jim said as he accidentally elbowed Spock in the ribs.

"Apologies are unnecessary," Spock said, as was typical of him.

All things considered, they did a pretty good job of getting themselves dry, and keeping the tent dry as well. It was damp, but at least they would be able to sleep. But first, dinner was in order.

Jim sighed as he pulled out two ration packs and handed one to Spock. "These are no good cold," he complained.

"They are specifically designed to be consumable without cooking," Spock pointed out.

"I know that," Jim said, breaking his open. "They just taste bad."

They ate their cold dinners in silence, huddled around a flashlight in lieu of a fire, listening to the rain drumming on the tarp roof of their tent.

After they finished eating, and with no way to make any tea, they decided to just unpack their bedrolls and go to sleep, tired from their hike and exhausted from being drenched in the cold rain.

The next morning, Jim woke up feeling like something wasn't quite right. His bedroll felt wet. He sat up, and his soaked bedroll made a squelching sound with his movement.

"Shit," Jim said, turning to Spock— but Spock was gone, along with his pack and bedroll. The entire bottom of the tent was filled with a couple inches of standing water.

Feeling absolutely disgusting, Jim got out of his water saturated bedroll and crawled out of the tent. He was happy to see that the rain had stopped and the sun had come out, and was even happier to see that Spock hadn't walked off into the woods, abandoning him.

Spock was in fresh clothes, and was hanging his bedroll and the clothes they had both discarded the night before on a line he had strung between two trees. He looked over his shoulder as Jim emerged from the tent.

"Good morning, Jim," Spock said neutrally.

"Hey," Jim said. "Guess we pitched our tent in a low spot."

"It appears so."

"I'm gonna go..." Jim gestured to his wet pajamas. Spock nodded in acknowledgement, and Jim stepped off a ways to change into dry clothes, yet again. He sighed to himself. This whole trip had been a disaster. But at least now, on the last day, the weather had cleared up, and everything that could have gone wrong had already run its course. They could at least have a decent time until Scotty beamed them back out in the evening.

Jim returned to the camp and helped Spock with wringing water from their stuff and hanging them on the line to dry.

"Sorry this trip was such a disaster," Jim said, genuinely feeling really bad for Spock, who only came along because Jim was being pathetic about Bones not wanting to go camping with him.

Spock paused. "It's not over yet."

Jim winced. It was the same sentiment that he had just had, but while his opinion was that they still had time to have a good trip, Spock's tone seemed to say that there was still time for even more to go wrong.

"Right," Jim said, hanging up the last of the wet items. "How about some breakfast? We can even start a fire. Maybe." He hoped they could start a fire with how wet the environment was. But Spock managed to get a fire started, and they were able to heat their rations and make some tea. Spock seemed to perk up after that.

"Well, what would you like to do for the rest of the day?" Jim asked. "Fishing?"

Spock shuddered.

"I mean, catch and release, obviously," Jim amended, but it appeared that wasn't what Spock didn't like about the idea.

"I would prefer to limit my odds of getting wet again," he explained. "I am out of dry sets of clothes."

"Fair enough," Jim said. "Any suggestions?"

"I would enjoy going for a walk to observe the local flora and fauna," Spock said. "A safe distance from the lake and any other sources of water, of course."

"Sure," Jim said, then frowned when Spock took a tricorder out of his pack. "Wait, you're wanting to do survey work? On shore leave?"

"I enjoy survey work," Spock said, calibrating the device. "You do not have to accompany me if you do not wish to."

"No, I'll come with," Jim said hurriedly. If this is what would make this trip a little better for Spock, then he was more than happy to concede.

The day went wonderfully. Jim followed along as Spock picked his way through the forest, analyzing various interesting plants and mushrooms with his tricorder, and getting distance readings on squirrels, rabbits, and even a few deer. Of course, the squirrels, rabbits, and deer weren't really squirrels, rabbits, and deer, but as Jim didn't know the names of these alien creatures, he had to settle for calling them by their closest Earth analogues.

They had a picnic lunch out on a scenic vista, and by the time they returned to camp, it was time to pack up and head to the rendezvous point. They gathered their things, making sure to leave nothing behind, and set off hiking back up the hill into the woods to the beam up coordinates.

They made it to the site ahead of schedule, and set their packs down to wait for the designated time that they had arranged with Scotty.

"Well, today actually went okay," Jim said.

Spock nodded in agreement. "Indeed."

"Sorry that I forgot my communicator. And matches. And the instructions for the tent. And that I got us lost. And that we got rained on and our tent flooded."

"Apologies are unnecessary Jim," Spock said, appearing to have forgiven Jim for the miserable parts of the trip. "These things were out of your control. Most of them, at least."

Jim was about to say something, when a movement in the bushes captured their attention. One movement turned into many, and a pack of large, alien, wolf-like creatures stalked out of the woods into the clearing.

"Uh, Spock?" Jim asked nervously. "Do you think they're friendly?"

One of the wolf creatures snarled.

"I believe not," Spock said, grabbing Jim by the elbow and turning him. "Climb a tree. Hurry."

The two ran to the nearest tree while the wolf things gave chase. Jim and Spock picked a wide tree and scrambled up one after the other, Spock first since he was the fastest, and Jim following behind and allowing Spock to help drag him up into the branches.

A wolf jumped up and chomped down on Jim's foot, trying to drag him down out of the tree. Jim cried out in alarm, but Spock had a tight hold on him and fought the wolf in a tug of war. Jim kicked his feet, trying to shake the wolf off, and eventually his boot slipped from his foot and the wolf fell back to the ground, gnawing at the leather. Quickly, Spock pulled Jim up into the branches out of reach of the creatures.

Jim sat on a branch, clutching the trunk of the tree and panting. "Thanks," he said to Spock. The wolves continued to circle the tree, growling and jumping, snapping at their prey which was just out of reach.

"Of course," Spock answered.

"Guess Bones wasn't wrong about the wolves after all," Jim groaned. "He's never going to let me live this down."

Spock tilted his head to the side. "Technically, these aren't wolves," he pointed out.

"I don't know that that will matter to Bones," Jim said. "Wolves or not, he's still going to say 'I told you so.' "

"I will not tell him if you don't," Spock said.

"Spock," Jim scolded. "That would be lying."

"It would be an omission," Spock corrected. "That's different."

"Right, whatever you say," Jim said. "Do you have the time? I feel like Scotty should have—"

A swirl of particles engulfed them, and they were transported from the tree branches onto a transporter pad. Spock got his feet under him by the time they materialized, but Jim fell to the ground with a thump.

"Thanks, Scotty," he said from the ground.

"Aye," Scotty said, eyeing them suspiciously. "Where's your stuff?"

"Still down there," Jim said, getting to his feet. "Can you grab it?"

"I have to do everything around here," Scotty said, but transported up their packs.

Bones appeared in the transporter room. "So? Get chased by wolves?"

Spock looked at Bones with a straight face. "We did not get chased by wolves," he said. "In fact, we had a lovely time."

Bones rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Jim, where's your boot?"

"Uh, misplaced it," Jim said. Bones bought that readily.

"Alright, well, you two check in to sickbay so I can make sure you didn't pick up any parasites or flesh eating bacteria or whatever other god awful things you manage to find on alien planets."

"We'll be there," Jim said tiredly.

Bones went back to sickbay, and Jim and Spock walked together to their quarters.

"You did tell a lie," Jim pointed out. "You said we had a lovely time."

"I was not lying," Spock said. "I did in fact enjoy our excursion."

"Even with all the things that went wrong?" Jim asked.

Spock thought for a moment. "Many unpleasant things may have happened to us, however, the pleasure of your presence outweighs them."

Jim blushed. "Oh, stop," he said, swatting Spock on the arm.

A small smile appeared on Spock's face, nearly imperceptible. "I shall not."

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[Fanfic] Murphy's Law

Murphy's Law