The Value of You

Fictober22

Kirk accidentally unearths Chekov's long festering guilt about the one person he couldn't save.

Fandom(s): Star Trek AOS
Character(s): Pavel Chekov, Jim Kirk
Tags: Genfic, Ficlet, Angst

Rating: Teen+
Content Warnings: N/A
Word Count: 497
Type: Oneshot, Standalone

Collection: Fictober22, or, Pavel Chekov's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Month

Written for Fictober 2022
Day 11: "Think! For Once!"

The surface of the water broke as two heads emerged from the depths, gasping and sputtering for air. Kirk, who had a firm grip on Chekov's arm, dragged him over to a ledge and shoved him out of the water before clambering out himself.

"Dammit, Pav, what the fuck was that? You could have died!" Kirk gasped angrily, on hands and knees, catching his breath. Water dripped off him and pooled on the ledge.

Chekov rolled onto his back, also breathing hard. "I did it though," he coughed out. "Now they're safe."

"For God's sake, are you stupid? Do you think your friends would appreciate you killing yourself for them? You can't just keep throwing yourself out to play the sacrificial lamb like you have some sort of death wish! Why can't you just think? Think! For once!" Kirk shouted at him, getting up in his face, eyes blazing.

Chekov sat up and bared his teeth to snap back. "You think that I don't think? All I fucking do is think! I think more than you do, more than any of you do! Every day I think about the day Vulcan was destroyed and what my failures did to Commander Spock! I'm not going to let anything like that happen ever again! If there's an action I can take to keep my friends from harm, I'm going to fucking take it! So get out of my face and stop telling me that I don't think!"

Kirk sat back on the wet floor, eyes softening. He looked at Chekov for a long time, taking in the anger and sadness and pain behind Chekov's eyes. He felt a horrible guilt that he had never noticed before. "Pav… What happened to Spock's mother wasn't your fault. You know that, right?" He asked, softly.

Chekov clenched his jaw, and looked away.

"Pav, you did everything right," Kirk said. "It's just that sometimes, you just can't save everyone. Nobody blames you for what happened. Especially Spock and Sarek. And you shouldn't blame yourself either. Stop trying to pay for Amanda's death with your life, Pav. It's not your debt to pay."

Chekov broke, and a muffled sob escaped him before he could hide his face in his hands. He turned away from Kirk, trying to hide his moment of weakness.

Kirk crawled over to him and pulled him into a tight hug. "I'm sorry I yelled at you. But we all love you, Pav. None of us could stand losing you. We need you to stop acting like the value of others is greater than the value of you. Because you’re just as important as everyone else. You think you can do that?"

Chekov, shakily, managed an "I can try" between sobs. He leaned into Kirk. They sat in silence for a while.

"Come on, let's get back," Kirk said after a few minutes. "You'll feel better after you've got some dry clothes on and have something hot to drink. Okay?"

"Okay."

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