Watch Your Fucking Language

Trektober 2024

In which Jadzia programs the Universal Translator to add swears to everyone's sentences.

Fandom(s): Star Trek DS9
Character(s): Jadzia Dax, Benjamin Sisko, Kira Nerys, Julian Bashir, Miles O'Brien
Tags: Universal Translator Mishap, Swearing, Pranks

Rating: Teen+ Audiences
Content Warnings: Swearing
Word Count: 619
Type: Oneshot, Standalone

Collection: Trektober 2024

trektober-challenge

Trektober Day 29
Prompt: "Universal Translator Mishap"

"Good morning, everyone," Commander Sisko said as he walked into Ops, raktajino in hand.

"Good morning, Commander," Kira said, sounding wide awake.

"Morning, Benjamin," Dax said, slightly less alert.

There was a brief mumble from a half-asleep O'Brien down in the pit.

"Status?" Sisko asked.

"Everything's nominal, Commander," Kira answered. "Nothing to report."

"Let's hope it stays that way." He was about to retreat to his office when the turbo-lift came down from the Promenade, and Bashir stepped out into ops.

Sisko eyed him with suspicion. Bashir was known to wander down to Ops to gossip with his friends, not only shirking his own duties but distracting everyone else while he was at it. Sisko decided to nip that in the bud.

"Doctor, what the fuck are you doing here?"

Bashir stopped in his tracks, blinking in surprise. "Sir?" He asked.

"I said, what the fuck are you doing here?" Sisko repeated, unsure why Bashir was looking at him like a startled deer.

"Uh," Bashir stammered. "Jadzia had something she wanted to show me."

Sisko looked to Dax for answers, but his eyes caught on Major Kira, who was staring at him incredulously with her jaw dropped. In the pit, Chief O'Brien had stopped working and poked his head up to stare at Sisko as well.

"What the fuck are you bastards staring at?" Sisko asked.

"Commander," Kira asked hesitantly. "Are you okay?"

"Of course I am," Sisko answered. "Why the fuck wouldn't I be?"

"Well, sir," O'Brien said. "It's just that you keep fucking swearing."

"Chief! Watch your fucking language, you're on goddamned duty!"

"I didn't fucking say anything!''

"Oh shit," Bashir said. "This is that contagious fucking aphasia all over again, isn't it?."

"Oh, not you too!" Sisko said, wheeling on Bashir.

"Would you fuckers please explain what the fuck is going on?" Kira asked.

"That's what I would fucking like to know!" Sisko shouted, his patience waning fast.

"No, listen up shitheads," Bashir said loudly, getting everyone's attention. "Clearly there is some kind of fucking virus going around making us all swear like motherfuckers."

"Occam's Razor, asshole" O'Brien said. "I'd bet it's something to do with the Universal fucking Translator."

Sisko turned to Dax, who had been suspiciously silent ever since the incident began. She was obviously struggling to smother a grin.

"Something funny, Old Bastard?" Sisko asked.

Dax couldn't help but let out a giggle, and from there she spiralled out of control, laughing so hard she cried.

Kira peered over the incapacitated Dax's shoulder at her console. "It's just one of Dax's bitch-ass pranks," she reported.

"Jadzia, you fucking bitch," Sisko said.

"Benjamin," Dax said, tears of laughter steaming down her face. She could hardly breathe. "Watch your fucking language."

"I didn't fucking say that and you know it!"

"Can someone please turn this goddamned shit off?" Bashir complained.

"Okay, okay, fuck..." Dax said, trying to calm herself down. She tapped into her console. "There," she said, gasping for air. Her face had started to turn blue. "I turned it off, everything is back to normal now."

"Thank the Prophets," Kira muttered under her breath.

"Let me guess," Bashir said to Dax. "You called me down here for this."

Dax nodded. "Thought you wouldn't want to miss out."

"Well," Bashir was about to protest, but stopped himself, shrugging. "You were right."

"I guess it was pretty funny," O'Brien said from down in the pit. "You gotta admit."

Kira sighed. "I guess," she said reluctantly, but there was a faint smile on her face.

"Alright people, back to work. The fun's over." Sisko said, turning towards his office. He stopped. "Oh, and Jadzia?"

"Yes, Benjamin?" Dax asked with a tone of mock innocence.

"Fuck you."

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