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spacedogfromspaceThe Vanishing
Chapter 6: Confrontation
Nyota confronts Christine.
She had none of her hiking gear with her as she made her way off the trail, shoving branches out of her way with a fury that they did not deserve. At least her footwear was appropriate, as she had left the lodge wearing her hiking boots, but her backpack— which contained her water bottle, rain gear, layers, GPS, compass, spot tracker, and handheld radio —were left behind, and she had been too angry to go back to the lodge to get them, instead opting to drive straight to the trail-head.
She began to regret neglecting to pick up her gear when it started to rain. She began to regret not going back to the lodge for the night and coming back the next morning, since it was already late afternoon when she set out, and the sun was already setting below the mountains. But the evening rain wasn't enough to cool her anger, so she ignored her best judgement and carried on, travelling by memory and landmarks that were becoming harder to recognize in the failing light.
With— she would later acknowledge —a great deal of luck, she stormed into Christine's camp, angrier now than she was before on account of being cold, soaking wet, and having had two hours to stew on the betrayal.
This time, Christine wasn't in any position to sneak up on her as she always did. She was outside her shelter— Nyota felt another flash of anger for not realizing that surely a parks employee would at least have a tent —patching gaps in the structure with branches and moss. She noticed Nyota as soon as she got near the camp, and watched with confusion as Nyota stormed up to her. Christine opened her mouth to speak, probably to ask why Nyota was out here so late, in the rain, with no gear. But she didn't get to ask anything before Nyota gave her a hard shove, knocking her to the ground. The soggy mat of pine needles squelched under her prone form, water seeping into her pant-legs and the elbows that she caught herself on.
Before Christine could gather her wits about her and drag herself up, or even speak, Nyota began to shout at her. "You lied to me!" She stepped up so she was looming over Christine, who was still prone on the ground, propped on her elbows and gaping up at her in shock. "I know you don't work for the Parks Service! The stuff about poaching was bullshit! Who the fuck are you?"
"I..." Christine stared at her with wide eyes, shaking her head in bewilderment. The rain plastered her usually gravity-defying white hair to her face. She looked pathetic. "I'm Christine," she said desperately. "I'm your friend."
"Friends don't lie about why they're living out in the wilderness!" Nyota exclaimed, throwing her hands in the air in frustration. "Why are you out here?"
The bewilderment in Christine's yellow eyes slowly changed into something else. Nyota would later recognize it as fear. "I— You wouldn't understand," she said, her voice small.
"Try me," Nyota demanded.
Christine shook her head quickly. "No, I can't tell you—"
"Why not?"
"I can't—"
"Is it because you have something to do with the missing people?" Nyota spat. This was the heart of the matter. This is what she suspected. Why else would Christine be living off the grid like this? "Are you some fucked-up serial killer? Did you pretend to be my friend so I wouldn't get suspicious? Am I your next target?" When Christine tried to get up, Nyota put a muddy boot down on her chest, pinning her to the soggy ground. "What did you do to Jim? How many did you kill?"
"I didn't kill anyone!" Christine shouted back, voice choked. The expression on her face signalled that she may have been crying, but the driving rain descending directly on her upturned face disguised any evidence. Not that it mattered to Nyota, who knew that they were certainly crocodile tears.
"You're lying!" Nyota insisted, voice growing hoarse from yelling. But she didn't care. "You have something to do with this, I know it! What else would you be doing living out here in a house made of sticks and with no supplies?"
Christine couldn't maintain eye contact with her, the rain was running into her eyes, blinding her. "I have nothing to do with this, I swear! I meant it when I said that I wanted to help you!"
"Then what are you doing out here?"
"I told you I can't—"
"Then how am I supposed to believe you have nothing to do with these missing people if you won't give me a story that makes more sense?" Nyota shouted, her voice breaking from the strain.
Christine whimpered, still pinned under Nyota's boot, and practically drowning in the rain. "You just have to trust me."
Nyota snarled at her, a visceral, animal sound. "I have no reason to trust you, and all the reason not to," she said in a low voice. "So tell me the truth."
Desperation and hopelessness filled those yellow eyes, their colour seeming to have dulled. Christine shook her head minutely as her mouth worked, trying to find the words. "I can't, Nyota. I really can't," she said in a near whisper, voice hardly audible above the sound of the rain. "But I promise you, I want to find out what happened to these people as much as you do. You aren't the only one to lose people out here."
Nyota's heart twinged, and her face softened, but not by much. She stood there in silence over Christine, glaring down at her with her foot planted on her chest. "Fine," she growled finally, taking her boot off Christine, leaving a muddy print on her shirt in its place. The girl rolled onto her side until she was nearly face down, letting the rain run off her face and clear her eyes as she caught her breath. "I won't call in the cavalry on your ass. But something shady is going on with you, and I can't trust that. Hell, shady or not, I can't trust anyone who pretended to be my friend and fed me nothing but lies about herself. That's not just a breach of trust, it's a breach of dignity." Christine was still facing the ground, propped on her forearms. Nyota crouched down and spoke close to make sure she heard. "If I ever see you again, I will rain hell down on you. Understand?" Christine made a choking sound— a sob —and nodded. "Good. Stay the fuck away from me."
Nyota stood back up, turned on her heel, and strode back into the forest in the direction she came, not slowing or looking back.
"Where were you?" Janice asked the second Nyota walked into the lodge. "I was starting to think something happened— you're soaked," she said as Nyota's appearance finally registered with her.
Nyota had her arms crossed, rubbing the goosebumps from her bare forearms. The two hour walk back to the truck in the cold, dark rain had left her chilled to the bone. "It's raining," she said, her anger chipped away by the conditions, now just leaving her grumpy.
Janice's face brimmed with concern as she walked around the desk towards Nyota. "Where were you? I thought you were just going to the ranger station, you should have been back hours ago."
Nyota's lips worked silently and her chin quivered. She clamped her jaw shut and looked down at her soaked shoes, blinking her eyes rapidly to stave off the tears that threatened to spill out.
Janice reached out to take her gently by the shoulders. "Oh, honey, what happened?"
It was too much. The kind touch, the soft tone. She couldn't hold it back anymore. She clapped a hand to her mouth, but a sob escaped anyways, and tears burst free like a dam breaking.
"Oh, you poor thing," Janice said, turning herself to put an arm around Nyota's shoulders, taking her by the elbow with her free hand as she gently guided her to the elevator. Nyota barely registered the trip from the lobby to her room, feeling like she was falling apart at the seams.
Janice steered Nyota straight to the bathroom. "You're sopping wet and freezing, you go take a nice hot shower, okay? It'll help you feel better. I'll bring you a warm towel and some dry clothes. How does that sound?"
Nyota, in no position to speak or protest, just nodded through her hiccoughing sobs, and did as she was told, shutting herself in the bathroom and stripping out of her drenched clothes as she waited for the water to heat up. Once it felt scalding against her chilled hands, she stepped under the stream, and the instant warmth halted her uncontrolled heaving, leaving her shaking while tears fell silently, whisked away by the warm water. Taking deep breaths, she was able to get her breathing under control and calm down. Though she had composed herself, she stood under the hot stream for another half hour, head down and eyes closed, just focusing on the feeling of the water hitting her skin, and melting into the cocoon of steam around her.
When she finally turned the water off, she felt much better. Tired, yes, exhausted, yes— but no longer freezing cold and liable to break down into tears at the slightest provocation. When she stepped out of the shower, she found a plush towel waiting for her on the counter, a pair of cozy flannel pyjamas, and a thick robe. She hadn't heard Janice come in to deposit these things, but she discovered that the towel was still warm as she dried herself, and felt like she could drop when she put on the pyjamas and robe, realizing that Janice had warmed those for her as well.
Janice had a steaming mug of chamomile tea ready for her when she emerged from the bathroom, made with milk and honey and a sprig of lavender. The ultimate concoction of comfort. She smiled at Nyota as she sank into one of the two armchairs the room offered, and curled her legs under her before reaching for her tea.
"How are you feeling?" Janice asked.
Nyota felt like she could cry again, if only for the undeserved kindness this woman extended to her. "Much better," she said, and she meant it.
The concern etched into Janice's face melted away a bit, and she nodded in relief. "Good," she said. "Do you want to talk about what happened out there?" Her tone clearly communicated to Nyota that this wasn't a discussion they needed to have tonight if she wasn't up for it.
As tempting as it was to just sit in silence in her warm pyjamas, with her warm tea, and her friend there for company, Nyota told her everything that had transpired since she had borrowed Janice's truck that afternoon. She spared no details, telling it all as she remembered it, and trying to explain what she was thinking and how she was feeling as she made the decisions that she did. Janice, the good friend she was, listened the whole way through without interrupting, nodding along to confirm she understood the explanations, to assure Nyota that what she had done was understandable.
At the end of it all, Janice didn't ask for any clarifications, for any justifications, or make any analysis of what Nyota had told her. Instead, she asked, "How do you feel right now?"
Nyota took her time thinking about it. How did she feel? It was a loaded question. "I feel... like the worst is over," she started. "Like I'm not caught up in the middle of the storm anymore, where everything feels like the end of the world. I still feel mad and betrayed, but it's a far away feeling now. It's not making my blood boil. And I feel... guilty. I— What I did to Christine doesn't feel right. Maybe I did over react. I think I hurt her."
The following weeks were lonely. Nyota spent much of her time out in the wilderness, hoping to find something— anything —that could point her to answers. It was an odd feeling to be lonely out in the woods. It was something she never experienced, until she got accustomed to having company during her walks. Reflecting on this made Nyota's stomach turn with confused feelings. She missed Christine. But she didn't want anything to do with her, either. Between the lies and the refusal to come clean, Christine had proved herself to not have been Nyota's friend in the first place. Nyota just couldn't understand why she wouldn't tell her what was going on. Unless it was something really, really bad. In which case, Nyota wouldn't want anything to do with her anyways.
There was another thing she missed about Christine, and it wasn't just the company and their friendship. It was the leads. Without Christine, who supposedly had superior knowledge of the park, Nyota was back to aimlessly wandering the woods and hoping she would stumble across something.
"What am I going to do?" She asked Janice, putting her face in her hands as they sat down together for lunch at a little cafe in town on Janice's insistence.
"I don't know if there's anything you can, do," Janice said slowly. Nyota knew the careful tone she used. It was the one she used when dealing with a time bomb.
"What do you mean?" Nyota asked, peering up out of her hands, a challenge in her eyes and a growl in her throat.
Janice flashed her palms at her, backtracking. "It's just that... maybe you shouldn't let this consume your life... again. I just don't want to see you—"
"I know," Nyota grumbled, cutting her off. This wasn't something she wanted to talk about. "But I can't just leave without answers. I need closure, or I'll go crazy."
"You left without answers last time."
"I had a mental breakdown," Nyota retorted. "I knew it then that I wouldn't be able to stop looking for answers, and I know it now."
"I know," Janice said. "But you have to admit to yourself that you're back to just walking through the woods all day without any leads. I think you need to start coming to terms with the possibility that you might never find anything."
Nyota leaned her face on one fist, stirring her soup idly with her other hand. She watched the colourful ingredients whirlpool around the bowl, pretending that it was entertaining enough to excuse her from the conversation. But she could feel Janice's eyes boring into her, and she leaned back in her chair with a sigh. "Of course I've thought about that," she said. "But I'm just not ready to let go. Especially with Jim going missing so recently. It's like I'm starting this whole thing over again."
"Have you thought of seeing someone? Getting some help?" Janice asked. "Because I don't know that all of this wandering is helping you. It certainly didn't help last time."
Nyota huffed. "I just need some more time. I'm not ready to stop looking for Jim. Not yet. Just another couple of weeks."
Janice's mouth twisted into a thin line, disapproval and worry set deeply in the lines of her face, a look that Nyota was all too familiar with. Nyota got ready for Janice to double down on her, but she didn't. "Alright. A couple more weeks."
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