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spacedogfromspaceThe Wrath of Mary Sue
A powerful being named Mary Sue takes over the Enterprise, with plans to take over the entire galaxy.
Fandom(s): Star Trek TOS
Character(s): James T Kirk, Spock, Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Mary Sue
Tags: April Fools, General Silliness
Rating: General Audiences
Content Warnings: N/A
Word Count: 4888
Type: Oneshot, Standalone
A very silly fic for April Fools Day :)
Captain James T Kirk was heading down the corridor to the turbo-lift, heading back up to the bridge after visiting sickbay to check up on a lieutenant who had been injured on a survey and was undergoing a rather slow and unpleasant recovery. He felt that it was pertinent that he knew his crew, and that they knew that he was there for them when they needed it, just as they were there for him. He had a firm belief that crews who felt heard and respected by their superior officers made better crews. So, he made sure to listen to anyone who wanted an audience with him, visit the sick and injured when he could, and made a serious effort to know the names of everyone on board his ship, even though that number was over four hundred.
It was because of this effort that he was surprised and somewhat suspicious of the young woman who approached him near the turbo-lift, extending a hand out to him. He had never seen her before, and unlike with most people, he was on hundred percent certain that he had never seen her before. She was unlike anyone he'd ever met before.
"Hello, Captain," she said cheerily.
Kirk shook her hand, noticing the rank stripe on her sleeve. "Good afternoon, Ensign," he said cordially. "Forgive me, but I don't recall having seen you before. What's your name?"
"Mary Sue, sir," she answered promptly. "I came on with the last crew change. We haven't met yet."
"I see," Kirk said. "Welcome aboard, Ensign Sue. Glad to have you."
Mary Sue beamed. "Glad to be here, sir."
While they waited for the turbo-lift, Kirk studied the young woman discreetly. She was unusual. She wore the same command yellow uniform that he wore, and that seemed to be the only regulation thing about her. She was extraordinarily beautiful, which wasn't non-regulation, exactly. Her hair, however, most certainly fell into the realm of 'not Starfleet regulation,' as were here eyes. Her hair was long and flowing instead of tied back or put up, and was dyed a mesmerizing iridescent pink. One of her eyes was purple, and the other was as yellow as her uniform. He could only assume that she wore coloured contacts.
He hated to have to do this, but a standard needed to be upheld.
"Excuse me, Ensign," he started in a kind tone. "You're new, so you may not know the policies on personal appearance, but you aren't supposed to dye your hair in unnatural colours or wear cosmetic contact lenses, and your hair needs to be tied back in a ponytail or a bun."
"Oh, but Captain, this is my natural hair colour," Mary Sue said with an embarrassed smile. "It's unusual, I know, but I was born this way. Same with my eyes. Natural colours." She opened her eyes wide for him to get a good look, and grinned with her perfect teeth. "You can have the labs do tests if you don't believe me."
"That won't be necessary, Ensign," Kirk said. "I believe you." He wasn't sure why he believed her, but he did. "You will have to wear your hair differently, though."
"But wearing like this is so much better than in a boring old ponytail or a bun, right?" Mary Sue asked in a purring tone.
Kirk realized that Mary Sue had a point. "Oh, of course!" He said. "I'm so ridiculous to have not have thought of that. As you were, then."
The turbo-lift finally appeared, and they both stepped inside. "What deck are you heading to?" Kirk asked politely.
"Hmm," Mary Sue hummed, thinking. "I was heading to the labs, but what I would really like is to see the bridge. Could I have a tour?"
"Of course you can have a tour," Kirk said. "Come on up to the bridge right now, and you'll have one."
Mary Sue beamed with delight, and Kirk couldn't help smiling at her. But something in the back of his mind nagged at him. It wasn't usual for him to invite random ensigns to the bridge for a tour. He shrugged inwardly. It was fine. There was nothing wrong with that. After all, this type of interaction with his crew was good for morale.
They rode the turbo-lift all the way up to the bridge, and when it opened, they stepped out.
Several faces turned to look a them.
"Captain on the—" Uhura started, then paused in confusion when she saw Mary Sue with her iridescent pink hair and multi-coloured eyes. "—bridge," she finished after a moment.
Everyone was staring at Mary Sue, now. Spock, from the Captain's chair, Sulu and Chekov from the helm, Uhura from the communications station, and Scotty, who was working near the back of the bridge, probably doing calibrations. They all just gaped at her.
"Everyone," Kirk said, breaking the silence. "This is Ensign Mary Sue. She wanted to see the bridge."
"Captain, if I may," Spock said cautiously. "This is not an appropriate time for bridge tours."
"Of course not," Kirk said, blinking in confusion. "We're in the middle of a mission."
"Oh, I'm sorry," Mary Sue said, her eyes big like dinner plates as she looked at each crew member in turn. "It's my fault. I insisted on seeing the bridge. I didn't think it would cause any trouble." She pouted.
"Well," Sulu said from the helm. "We're still half an hour out from our destination. I don't see how a quick tour could hurt."
Chekov nodded eagerly. "In fact, it's pretty quiet and boring at the moment. We could use the company."
Spock gave the two a curious look. "Regardless of our current ETA and how 'boring' it is, this is against regulation," Spock said.
"Well," Uhura said. "We've broken regulation many times before. This will be the least serious of our infringements."
Spock shot Uhura a not-you-too look.
"In all the time that we've been discussing this we could have just given this nice young lady a tour," Scotty said from where he had abandoned calibrations.
Spock's brow furrowed, his mind flipping through his thoughts quickly. Something was wrong here. He reached out a hand to the comm panel on the Captain's chair, while eyeing Mary Sue suspiciously. He planned on calling Doctor McCoy. And security. Something was not right here. He wasn't sure what wasn't right, but his instincts told him that he had to act fast.
But before he could press the key that would patch him through to Doctor McCoy or to security, Mary Sue opened her fascinating eyes wide and blinked her long thick lashes at him. "Oh please, Mr Spock, let me stay for a while!" She begged.
Spock tried to press the keys on the comm panel, but his fingers only touched air. He looked at his hand, and found it still poised above the key. He watched it as he told his hand to press down. It didn't obey. He looked back to Mary Sue to ask what she was, what she was doing here, and what she wanted, but like his hand, his tongue didn't obey him either. "What would you like to see first?" He asked instead.
Mary Sue gave a pleased smile. Inside Spock's mind, alarm bells were ringing, but there was nothing he could do.
"You know," Mary Sue said thoughtfully. "I'd really like to see the bridge from the Captain's chair. Could I pretty please sit in it?"
"Of course!" Kirk said.
Spock got up from the seat and returned to the science station. He watched the young woman sit down in the captain's chair, where she crossed her legs and leaned back with her arms on the arm rests, hands tapping in satisfaction.
"You know," Scotty said. "I think she'd make a pretty good captain."
"I was just thinking the same thing," Sulu said.
"Maybe we should let her have a go at it!" Chekov chimed in.
"It would be nice to have a woman captain for once," Uhura added.
Kirk thought for a second. "Oh, why not. Ensign Mary Sue, I'm promoting you to Captain of this ship!"
Mary Sue beamed, and everyone on the bridge clapped.
"Thank you, everyone," Mary Sue said when the applause died down. "Now, Mr Sulu, please set a course in for Earth."
"Aye, Captain!" Sulu said eagerly, and got to work.
Spock walked towards the back of the bridge, where Kirk was standing.
"Captain," he said. "I believe Doctor McCoy wanted to see us in sickbay. There is a development in Lieutenant Siegler's status."
"I see," Kirk said, frowning. "We should see to that. As long as it is okay with our new captain, that is." He said the last part louder, and with a pleased smile.
Mary Sue looked back at Kirk and Spock. Kirk grinned at her. She smiled and shook her head in amusement. "Of course," she said. "Go do your duty. I will call you if you are needed."
"Thank you, Captain," Spock said to Mary Sue. Addressing her as such pained him, but it had come out of him like it was automatic.
Kirk and Spock stepped into the turbo-lift, the bridge disappearing from view as the doors whooshed shut. As the turbo-lift began its descent, Spock turned to Kirk.
"Captain, there is something wrong," he said.
"Ah ah, Spock," Kirk said, waving a chastising finger at him. "I'm not the captain anymore."
Spock hesitated. "Of course," he said. "I was merely referring to your rank, not as your status— or lack of status— as commanding officer of this vessel."
"Right," Kirk said. "So what's our problem?"
Spock tried to speak, but he couldn't think of what he wanted to say. He knew there was a problem. He just couldn't remember what it was. "Perhaps Doctor McCoy would be able to shed some light on it," he said, though he couldn't remember why he thought the doctor would be helpful in solve anything.
Kirk frowned. "All right," he said. "Let's go see him, then."
They walked to sickbay in silence, and entered to find the place mostly empty. One of the bio-beds was of course occupied by Lieutenant Siegler, but he was the only patient currently in. Head Nurse Christine Chapel was standing near him, inputting information into a PADD. She looked up as Kirk and Spock entered.
"Captain, Mr. Spock," she said with a polite nod of the head. "What can I do for you?"
"We'd like to see Bones," Kirk said. "Is he in?" He glanced at the closed door of McCoy's office.
"He is," Nurse Chapel said, following Kirk's gaze. "Just knock, I'm sure he'll be glad to see you."
"Thanks, Christine," Kirk said, and headed over to McCoy's office, Spock in tow. Kirk knocked on the door.
"What?" McCoy's voice snapped from within.
"It's us, Bones," Kirk said through the door.
"Who's 'us?' " McCoy asked.
"Me and Spock," Kirk said, rolling his eyes. "Can we come in?"
There was a long sigh from within. Then, "Alright, fine."
The door whooshed open, and Kirk and Spock stepped inside. McCoy's office was dimly lit, and the doctor was sitting behind his desk, a dozen PADDs spread out in front of him. His elbows were on the table and his head was resting in his hands.
"Bad time, Bones?" Kirk asked.
"You bet it is," he said. "I'm getting all sorts of reports of nonsense from crew members."
"What kind of nonsense reports?" Spock asked.
"Oh, it's all people claiming that their friends have come down with 'sudden and uncharacteristic infatuations' with one of the new crew women," Bones said with a roll of the eyes. "I haven't seen her, but she must be some beauty to capture the hearts of all these people. And to make so many people so jealous that they have to file it as a medical report. What has the world come to?"
Spock's eyebrows raised as his memory jogged. "Actually," he said. "That is what we have come here to talk to you about."
"It is?" McCoy asked.
"It is?" Kirk asked a beat later, giving Spock a curious look.
"Yes," Spock said. "I believe we have encountered the individual in question. And I also believe that the reports of... infatuation... are more serious than you think."
McCoy groaned. "In what way?" He asked tiredly.
"I believe it is a compulsion," Spock explained. "She seems to have a high psi rating. I believe her to be a very powerful telepath."
McCoy just gave him a blank stare. "Well, what does she do to... compulse?"
"The word you are looking for is 'compel,' Doctor," Spock said.
"Yeah, I haven't noticed her doing anything unusual," Kirk said, ignoring Spock's correction.
Spock gave Kirk a brief looked and sighed before addressing McCoy's question. "She doesn't do anything that I could observe. It seems that merely being in her presence creates the effect. I suspect that since I am also a telepath, I am able to somewhat resist it."
"Somewhat resist it?" McCoy asked. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"I mean that while I was on the bridge with her, I found it impossible to speak against her," Spock said. "In fact, by the time I left the bridge, I was having trouble remembering what my concerns about her even were. I suspect that her compelling effect on me is fading now that I have distanced myself, but the cure of distance does not seem to be working on Jim."
"What?" Kirk asked. "Are you saying that I'm under her spell?"
"Indeed," Spock answered simply.
"Well, that's just not true," Kirk said. "If I was, I would know."
"Captain," Spock said casually. "What is your opinion on Ensign Mary Sue?"
"That's Captain Mary Sue to you, Spock," Kirk corrected. "And she is a damn fine officer. The best of the best."
"Hold on," McCoy said, holding up a hand to put a stop to what was clearly going to be a long tirade in defence of Mary Sue. "You let her onto the bridge?"
Spock frowned and raised an eyebrow. "I didn't let her onto the bridge."
McCoy turned to Kirk, whose brow was furrowed and seemed deep in thought. "Jim," McCoy said, a vein popping in his forehead. "You let her onto the bridge?"
"She asked for a tour!" Kirk said, raising his palms defensively. "What, was I supposed to say no?"
"Yes!" McCoy shouted. He sighed deeply and put a hand to his face. "Is she still on the bridge?" He asked.
"I am guessing she is," Spock answered. "Especially considering that Jim promoted her to Commanding Officer of this vessel."
"What?!"
"Alright," McCoy said taking something that looked like space-Xanax and chasing it with a shot of something strong smelling. "We have to do something about this, but I'm assuming that if we barge onto the bridge, we'll be compelled to be her best friend and do her bidding."
"That is correct," Spock said. "Since I was unable to resist the compulsions completely while in her presence, I would guess that you would have no chance at all."
"Thank you for your vote of confidence," McCoy said flatly. "What do you propose that we do?"
Spock thought for a moment. "We need to figure out what she plans on doing with the ship, now that she has effectively commandeered it," he said.
"Before we left the bridge, she set a course for Earth," Kirk said. "What do you think she intends to do there?"
"Take over the planet?" McCoy suggested. "I'm sure she could use her psychic powers or whatever to get herself into a position of power."
"And from there, she could get herself in a position of power over the entire Federation," Spock said.
"Spock," McCoy said, after a brief silence. "You need to return to the bridge."
"I have come to the same conclusion. As the only one among us who has any sort of resistance to her, it is logical that I return to the bridge to ascertain her intentions," Spock said. "However, due to her effect on the mind, I may not remember to report back."
McCoy waved a hand. "I'll call you back down to sickbay after a while, and the fresh air should clear your head."
"The air is the same here as it is on the bridge, Doctor," Spock said.
"Figure of speech, Spock," Kirk said.
"Ah," Spock nodded.
"I should return to the bridge, too," Kirk said. "It would look suspicious if I didn't also go back. We wouldn't want to tip her off that we're suspicious of her."
Spock regarded Kirk with curiosity, before asking, "Do you believe Mary Sue is fit to be captain of this ship?"
Kirk blinked. His brow furrowed as he thought for a moment. "No," he said, sounding surprised with himself. "No I do not. She is just an ensign, if she is that at all."
McCoy sighed with relief. "Oh thank god, the effect wears off after all."
"Damn," Kirk said. "For a while I really wanted whatever it was that she wanted. And I couldn't even tell that it was happening. It all seemed like my idea."
"It's a powerful ability," Spock said. "And one most dangerous."
"We need to go back to the bridge," Kirk said. "Whatever she is trying to do, we have to stop her."
"I'll give you a call after about 20 minutes, get you out of there so you can get your right minds back," McCoy said. "See if you can figure out anything about how her powers work. We need to get the upper hand."
"I'm great at finding loop holes," Kirk said. "Spock, let's go get our ship back."
Kirk and Spock stepped out of the turbo-lift and onto the bridge. Mary Sue, who was still at the conn, turned in her chair to smile at them. Kirk's demand to know what she was planning to do died on his tongue.
Spock, however, was able to resist, at least for the moment. Long enough to ask, "What are you, and what do you intend to do once we arrive at Earth?"
Mary Sue smiled, but her eyes flashed with a brief anger. "Why, I'm a human Starfleet officer. And once we get to Earth, we're going to pay a visit to the President."
"And why are we going to visit the President?" Spock asked. "I doubt we've been invited."
Mary Sue laughed, a sound like silver bells. "No, we haven't been invited," she said. "But I'm sure he will be very glad to see us."
"Why is that?" Spock asked.
"Why, because I'm going to replace him as President of the Federation, that's why," Mary Sue said. Sulu, Chekov, and Uhura all grinned, excited about the idea. "After all, being a President is hard work. I'm sure the current President will be glad to have someone take over for him."
This made sense to Spock. Being a President was hard work, and surely anyone who held that office looked forward to their successor taking the burden from their shoulders. But there was something off about it all, Spock felt. He knew that something wasn't right about this, but it seemed like whatever it was was obscured from him behind a curtain of fog.
"How close are we to the Earth, now?" Kirk asked.
"Mr Chekov?" Mary Sue prompted.
"Approximately five hours," Chekov chirped.
Kirk frowned. "That doesn't seem right. We'd have to be travelling at warp ten to achieve that time."
"We are travelling at warp ten," Sulu informed him.
Spock frowned. "The Enterprise cannot sustain warp ten for extended periods of time," he said.
Again, Mary Sue waved his concern away. "Mr Scott is confident that the ship will still be operational by the time we get to our destination."
"Indeed, but I predict it would be badly damaged," Spock said.
"Yes, it probably will," Mary Sue said with a wistful sigh. "But it'll be well worth the sacrifice, don't you think?"
"Of course," Spock said. He felt like he believed and didn't believe what he was saying, at the same time. Something was definitely wrong here. But what?
They continued to work on the bridge for the next twenty minutes, Spock at the science station monitoring and reporting on any anomalies, and Kirk— ousted from his position as commanding officer —alternated between hovering over Chekov's navigation station and Spock's science station, switching whenever whoever he was currently watching started to get annoyed with him. He had nothing to do, and was rendered entirely useless, but for some reason this didn't bother him. He felt like it should bother him. But it didn't.
After twenty minutes, the comm crackled to life, and Doctor McCoy's voice came through the speakers. "McCoy to bridge," he said.
Mary Sue tapped at the comm panel on the captain's chair. "Mary Sue here," she chirped. "What can I do for you, Doctor?"
"I'd like to borrow Kirk and Spock again, for a few minutes," he said, voice not betraying that anything odd was going on.
"Oh, of course you can borrow them!" Mary Sue said in a sweet voice. She looked at Kirk and Spock each in turn, smiling. "Go on down, you two," she instructed, then turned back to the comm. "I'm sending them down right away, Doctor."
"Thank you, Captain," McCoy said. He stumbled over the word 'captain' slightly, but Mary Sue seemed not to notice.
Kirk and Spock got up and went to the turbo-lift. "We'll be back shortly," Kirk said to Mary Sue. Then to Spock, he said, "I wonder what Bones wants this time?"
After sitting in McCoy's office for a while, Kirk and Spock's heads cleared as Mary Sue's compulsion wore off on them in her absence.
"Damn," Kirk said. "That's some strong stuff. I completely forgot that anything was amiss almost immediately."
"Doctor McCoy," Spock said, looking across McCoy's desk at the tired looking doctor. "You spoke with Mary Sue over the comm. Did you feel anything strange regarding Mary Sue at the time?"
McCoy thought for a moment. "I don't know. It sure was weird having to call her captain."
"What he means is did you start to feel like you liked her," Kirk clarified. "That maybe you thought she wasn't so bad after all. That kind of thing."
McCoy thought for a moment. "No, nothing like that," he said.
"Fascinating," Spock said thoughtfully. "Either her effect requires physical proximity, or it requires sight."
"We could do another test," Kirk said. "But we're running out of time."
"We will have to be quick about it," McCoy said.
Spock nodded. "I propose a simple test to determine whether her powers rely on sight or proximity."
"And how do you propose we do that?" McCoy asked.
"It is quite simple, Doctor," Spock said. "I will return to the bridge, wearing modified contact lenses that will eliminate my sight. We already know that her voice alone isn't enough to compel. If her powers begin to affect me, we will know that her powers are reliant entirely on proximity."
"Good thinking, Spock," Kirk said. "We only have a few hours, so let's get this show on the road."
They replicated a pair of opaque lenses that wouldn't look out of the ordinary once they were in Spock's eyes, but would render him blind. He carried them with him to the turbo-lift, where he installed them on the way to the bridge.
Kirk and McCoy waited anxiously in sickbay. If he didn't return in twenty minutes, they would call Scotty and have him summon Spock away from the bridge, since calling him from Sickbay once again would start to look suspicious, and they certainly didn't want Mary Sue knowing that they were on to her.
Luckily, Spock returned after only five minutes, having removed the contacts after leaving the bridge.
"It worked, then?" Kirk asked hopefully.
"Indeed," Spock said. "It appears that we are immune so long as we cannot see her."
"So what do we do? Cover our eyes and fight her blind?" McCoy asked.
"Actually," Kirk said. "That's not such a bad idea."
McCoy rolled his eyes. "Of course you would think it's not a bad idea."
"No, really," Kirk said. "Listen up. I have a plan."
Kirk, Spock, and McCoy burst onto the bridge looking absolutely ridiculous. They each wore a bulky blindfold strapped around their heads, and since they couldn't see where they were going, they jostled each other as they exited the turbo-lift.
"What are you three doing?" Mary Sue asked. Presumably she had turned around to see the three blindfolded men.
"We're here to stop you!" Kirk said.
"Stop me from doing what?" Mary Sue asked.
"From taking over the Federation," Kirk said. "You're going to Earth to meet the President, and use your mind powers on him to make him step down and name you his successor, and also use your mind powers to keep anyone from realizing that it's wrong!"
Mary Sue laughed. "Oh, don't be ridiculous," she said. "I'm not here to take over the Federation. I'm here to take over the galaxy."
"Well, we won't let you!" Kirk said.
"Oh yeah?" Mary Sue asked. "Just how do you plan on stopping me?"
"Like this," Kirk said, and raised his communicator to his mouth. "Scotty, now!"
The blindfolded men could tell that the power to the bridge had been cut and that it was pitch dark by the gasps and mumbling of Uhura, Chekov, and Sulu. They knew that it was safe to take off the blindfolds, under which were infrared goggles. They could now see Mary Sue without actually seeing her, just the heat that she produced. Hopefully, this would make them immune to her charms.
"Just what do you think you're doing?" Mary Sue asked, all sign of her cutesy pretense gone. She sounded annoyed, even angry. Kirk, Spock, and McCoy saw her rise from the captain's chair and turn to face them.
"Do you think she can see us?" McCoy asked.
"Oh, I can see you, all right," Mary Sue snapped. "Prepare to witness my power!" She shouted.
"Captain, something is happening," Spock said.
"I can see that, Spock," Kirk said as he watched as the vaguely Mary-Sue-shaped blobs of colour grew to a white hot, and began to levitate into the air. Swirls of heat washed around her like a tornado, and they could feel and hear the motion generating wind.
"Great, Jim," McCoy said sarcastically. "This is just great. Your plan is working out so well."
"Shut up, Bones," Kirk said, thinking fast. He wasn't sure what to do, but there was one strategy that always worked... Well, it always worked on computers. It might not work on whatever Mary Sue was, but it was worth a shot.
"Hey, Mary Sue!" Kirk shouted over the sound of wind. "Nobody likes you!"
Mary Sue gasped. "How dare you!"
"You aren't special!" Kirk shouted. "And you're actually really annoying!"
"Good god," McCoy whispered. "It's working."
Indeed, it seemed to be having some effect on her. The swirling tornado of energy was weakening, and the blazing white of her body temperature was falling back to red.
"You're a most illogical creature!" Spock shouted, joining in on the strange battle.
"And natural pink hair isn't very rare, there's a whole planet of people with pink hair like, three systems over!" McCoy said. "And they're all more charming than you!"
"No!" Mary Sue shrieked. "Stop it! My powers!" She floated down until her feet touched the ground, not having the power to keep herself levitating. The wind had vanished.
Kirk stepped forward, ready to deliver a killing blow. "And you know what? You're exactly like other girls!"
"Noooooo!" Mary Sue screamed, and she began to undergo a change. Out of the reds and oranges and yellows of her body sprouted white hot cracks, and lines like geysers as her body started to crumble.
Kirk, Spock, and McCoy watched in infrared as Mary Sue disintegrated, leaving nothing more than warm air where she had once been.
"It worked!" McCoy said.
"Scotty," Kirk said into his communicator. "Give us power again."
"Is it finished?" Scotty asked from elsewhere on the ship.
"It's over," Kirk said.
Power— and order —was restored to the ship.
"You know," Kirk said, sitting with Spock and McCoy around McCoy's office desk, drinking liquor from the top shelf of McCoy's liquor cabinet. "I feel kind of bad for her."
"How so?" McCoy asked.
"Well, she really was unique, wasn't she? And yet, she was destroyed simply by a few people telling her that she wasn't. It's just kind of sad."
Spock nodded. "It is a rather undignified way to go."
McCoy shrugged. "Just remember— her plan was to take over the galaxy."
"I know," Kirk said. He sighed wistfully. "I wonder if there are more like her."
"If there are, we'd better not be the ones to deal with them," McCoy said. "We've done our part."
"Actually," Kirk said. "I hope that we are. Maybe if we encounter them again, we can work towards peace."
"That seems like a pipe dream," McCoy said.
"Maybe," Kirk said. "But what are we if not dreamers?"