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spacedogfromspaceThe Doctor, the Hag, and the AU, or, Bones and the Hallmark Christmas Movie Curse
Chapter 1: Halloween Called
Bones temporarily escapes the Hallmark Christmas movie watch party only to discover that he's jumped out of the frying pan, into the fire.
This was by far Bones’ least favourite tradition among the senior staff of the Enterprise. He had never understood his friends’ fascination with generic, mass produced Christmas movies from the twenty-first century, and he supposed that he never would. However, ever year around this time they all gathered together to watch a marathon of the stupid things.
“I think we’ve seen this one,” Bones said as they started another, seemingly familiar vid.
Uhura, mastermind behind this god-awful tradition, shook her head with a wry smile. “You say that at least once every year,” she said. “I promise, we won’t be having repeats for a long while.”
“I don’t know why they had to make so many of the exact same film,” Bones grumbled.
“Oh come on, Bones,” Jim protested lightly from his spot on the floor. “They aren’t all exactly the same.”
“Yeah,” Sulu agreed, adding, “there’s at least twelve plots that they keep recycling over and over again.”
“And yet, here we are, watching the hundredth-”
“-Hundred and fifth,” Uhura interrupted.
“-one of these stupid movies,” Bones finished, ignoring Uhura. “Maybe it’s time we retired this tradition,” he suggested, prompting a gasp from Uhura.
“No!” She protested, looking at him as if he had kicked a puppy. “They’re fun! They’re light hearted and fun to make fun of and they’re all about the magic of Christmas and true love!” She proclaimed in an exaggeratedly sappy voice, knotting her hands together and holding them to her cheek, emphasizing her love for the terrible films.
Bones rolled his eyes, having none of it. “Christmas is a stupid holiday, and true love is as dead as y’all are to me right now.”
“Jeez, Leonard,” Uhura said, raising her eyebrows at him. “You sound like you need some help.”
Bones rolled his eyes again, already having forgotten to quit doing that. “The only help I need is in liquid form. And some ibuprofen. These terrible movies and y’alls’ ridiculousness have made me roll my eyes so much that I have a headache. I’m going down to sickbay for some painkillers.”
“Shall we pause the vid until your return, Doctor?” Spock asked snarkily.
“No!”
With the door to the officers’ lounge shut behind him, he sighed and rubbed his temples. He was trying not to be such a sourpuss at Hallmark Nights, but that was a feat easier said than done. The movies were all around stupid and annoying, yes, but what annoyed him the most was the idiot main characters who somehow always managed to find their one true love in, what, three days? How stupid.
Shaking his head, he headed down the hall to the turbolift, in no particular rush to get to sickbay and back. He stepped off the turbolift on G deck and took the well known route through the corridors to sickbay, but stopped in his tracks after turning a corner and seeing a strange figure in the middle of the hall. They were standing limply, with their chin to their chest, looking as if they were being held up by the top of their spine by invisible wires, though heir feet were planted firmly on the floor. Bones couldn’t see the person’s face, their long greying hair falling to shroud it. They wore some sort of dirty old nightgown that left their unnatural ashen arms, lower legs, and feet bare.
A few years ago he might have been shocked to have this sight before him unexpectedly, but he had seen so much shit during his time on the Enterprise that it was nearly impossible to spook him. Settling his weight on one leg and crossing his arms, unimpressed, Bones called out, “Hey, Halloween called, they want your lame costume back!” When the figure didn’t respond, or even move, he squinted at them. “Hey, who are you?” He demanded, then with more urgency snapped, “Hey! I’m talking to you!” He grumbled to himself, striding towards them when they again offered no response.
When he reached the figure, he grabbed them by the shoulder, and tried to resist the urge to shake them roughly, as he wasn’t entirely sure that this was indeed a joke. It was possible that whoever was in this ridiculous getup was in some sort of medical distress. However, the moment he touched the figure, their head shot up, the ashen face of a sickly looking woman staring at him, stray strands of hair falling in front of her face. Bones took a step back, startled, but didn’t retreat any further.
“Hey, can you hear me? What’s your name?” Bones asked. Now that he was up close, he saw that the ashy dry skin wasn’t a practical effect, and that this person was likely very ill. When she didn’t respond other than moving her eyes to trace his movements, he sighed, wishing that she was in uniform so at least he’d have some sort of identification to work with. He couldn’t very well treat a patient without knowing who she was and what ailments might be in her medical history. “Alright, I’m going to take you down to sickbay,” Bones said, taking the unidentified woman gently by the elbow. “We’ll get you all fixed up, don’t worry.”
“No,” she said, surprising him. She raised her free hand, revealing what Bones recognized as a model truck shortly before she slammed it into his head, instantly knocking him unconscious.
When Bones came to, he rubbed at his aching head and slowly opened his eyes, a difficult feat under the bright lights of wherever he was. He could feel a throbbing bruise on the right side of his forehead. When his eyes finally adjusted, he was surprised to find himself on a park bench in a snowy town.
“What…?” He looked around frantically, which only made him dizzy, so he put his face in his hands until the feeling settled. Confused at the texture of his hands, he lifted his face to see that he was wearing a pair of wool mittens that definitely weren’t there before. Upon examining himself further, he realized that he was fully outfitted for a chilly winter day, sporting a parka, scarf, and matching toque. “What is this?” He asked under his breath, slowly getting to his feet and walking through the park towards the street. He took in his surroundings more carefully, noting that many of the trees in the park were adorned with festive lights, which were illuminated despite it only beginning to get dark. When he reached the street, he noticed that the streetlamps and power poles had been given the same treatment, along with big red bows tied around them.
“This is obviously a dream,” Bones decided out loud. “It’s a dream, and I know it’s a dream, so I can wake myself up.” He stood there on the sidewalk for a long while, focussing. He didn’t wake up. Nothing around him changed in any way, except for the occasional car driving by, snow crunching below the tires. “Okay…” Bones whispered to himself. “This is real. That…. That hag did something to me… Alright, think, McCoy, think. Where do I go, what do I do?” He looked up and down the street for any leads. His eyes caught on a sign and he laughed despite himself. “Well, I couldn’t imagine a better place to start,” he said, and started towards the green and black sign. The big white letters spelt one word:
Enterprise.
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